Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just had sex on a roof
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
