i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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