You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
