I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
