If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
