I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
