dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Enjoy the penises
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
