He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
