You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
