Me too!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
