I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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