you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
