Got a toothbrush?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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