Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
and you fell through a lawn chair
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
