Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
