Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
