apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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