he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
