Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
