Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you traded sex for a burrito?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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