Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
