Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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