Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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