I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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