my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
