So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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