The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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