so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
