sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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