I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
