I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
