NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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