come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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