You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
