i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
