He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
