i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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