Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
