I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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