this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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