Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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