I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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