Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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