Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
