Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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