I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
