Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
