I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
