We're like a lot better than the average bears
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Randomize
