Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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