oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
