last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
