so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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