and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
