I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
