All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
