My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
