On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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