nut hugger
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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