If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
