We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
